Underworld: Blood Wars

First off I would like to say that I’m a fan of this series and I don’t care who knows it. Also, spoiler alerts.

Underworld arrived in 2003 and I loved it. Vampires fighting werewolves and not one of them sparkled. The plot wasn’t even that bad. Selene, the best Death Dealer, whose title really speaks for itself has to kill nearly everyone because she’s betrayed by vampires for wanting to save her new man hunk Michael. Michael is an Abomination meaning he’s both a vampire and a werewolf. He’s not natural so both sides of the vampire/werewolf war want to kill him. There’s some intrigue, not a lot, but there is some involving Michael’s blood and yadda yadda yadda. Plot wasn’t the greatest but it was a fun movie.

Underworld: Evolution was released in 2006 and I was thrilled to have another grim dark creature feature action movie. This time around Selene and Michael must kill the fathers of the vampire and werewolf factions. Daddy Vamp wakes up after the events of the first movie and gets pissed and so proceeds to murder his way to his trapped brother who now is a mindless ravaging werewolf because sibling love or some crap like that. There’s some more intrigue again—not enough for me to remember or look it up—but it was still a fun movie.

Next came Underworld: Rise of the Lycans in 2009, which took place from the werewolves’ perspective and was a prequel to the story from Underworld.  This movie added some character depth to the bad guy in Underworld and made him more of a tragic figure. All in all, it was a nice addition to the series and continued the trend of being a fun movie.

Underworld: Awakening arrived in 2012. The series starts spoiling here. Selene has a baby but doesn’t know it for fairly stupid reasons and her daughter grows up in Boston in secret, yet, somehow develops a British accent. Huh? Also humankind discovers both vampires and werewolves and wants to wipe them all out.  So Selene—whose skin appears to actually be latex at this point—is forced once again to basically kill everyone standing in her way of being a moody Vampire mother.

The newest installment, Underworld: Blood Wars, was released in the United States in 2017, but arrived in late November 2016 for the rest of the world. The series is now spoiled and I lament what a good series it used to be. I felt obligated to watch it and fortunately for my wife, I saw it alone.

The plot is predictable to a fault and its only saving grace is the speed with which the betrayals happen.  Selene is now an outcast to Humans, Vampires and Werewolves. She lives her unlife on the run.  The movie starts with her being cornered by Werewolves—Selene, of course, kills them all to remind us that she’s a badass. New love interest David shows up and gets shot by a drill bullet with a tracking device built in. Here’s where the movie goes downhill for me. The gun that shot the previously mentioned drill bullet could not have feasibly shot it. It would be like a garden hose that sprays apples somehow. We met David in Underworld: Awakening but if you forgot him don’t feel bad. I forgot him too since it was five years since the last one and he wasn’t really memorable. That damned British accent from growing up in Boston was the only thing I remembered from Awakening. Minor plot development later we meet Semira. Semira just reeks of betrayal. What felt like five minutes later we were right. No surprise. Selene and David now have to head to the middle of icy nowhere for safety. There they meet Lena and Vidar.  Lena is a speedster of sorts and knows some things about mysticism. Vidar is the leader of the frozen Vampire coven. While having a kind of cool entrance he serves no real purpose other than exposition.

Lena. Not an albino but still pale for a vampire.

Vidar states in a conversation with Selene and David that their coven is too remote to be attacked by werewolves. Cue the attack not too long later, but first Selene needs to learn about some mysticism that will surely never happen to her later. On cue werewolves attack, Selene gets her ass handed to her by a terrible CGI. . .thing . . . and David is forced to run home with his new inherited werewolf slayer sword and the birthright to rule the vampire kingdom. There’s another betrayal by a vampire, surprise! (Not really.) That’s been a running trend since the first movie so anyone who is a vampire and is named something other than Selene is just an asshole in waiting. This particular betrayal lets the werewolves into the Vampire coven at which point bad action scenes ensue with lots of snarling.

Another surprise! (Once again, not really.) Selene shows up just as things are going bad for the Vampires with her new Speedster powers but doesn’t decide to kill every flea bag in the room including the head honcho of the Werewolves because that would make sense and at this point making sense is just a no-no. There has to be a final fight between Selene and the big bad wolf. . .thing . . . Truly, it is really unsettling. Remember the CGI Scorpion King from The Mummy 2? Yeah, that bad.  She of course kills it and David gets to lead the vampires. Hooray? Also her daughter comes back right before the credits. There might be another and at this point I hope not.

Bad pic but be glad.

It saddens me to see this franchise fall so far. Underworld: Blood Wars added absolutely nothing to the series and was far too predictable. There were numerous little things that bugged me throughout the movie that just added up to a bad movie. Extras taking a peek at the camera, wardrobe changes for Semira that didn’t follow the movie’s timeline, incompetent vampires becoming competent. Those are just a few.

I saw it because I felt obligated too and I sincerely hope the series stops or makes a miraculous leap from bad to good again, but I am not going to hold my breath.

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